BALSILLIE, CAMERON (1995 - ) Younger son of Karen Balsillie and Greg Semple. There is no professional support network available to the parents of unprepossessing children. The tendency to automatically condemn them helps no-one. We should be considerate toward people whose offspring squawk, kick and sulk until we've established the cause of the child's discontent. Then we might apply compassion or condemnation, whichever is appropriate. Even though I was in my infancy when my powers became apparent, I can still vividly recall the ostracism to which I was subjected as I struggled with the initial confusion familiar to any child of enhanced intuition. These problems were compounded by the matter of my personal appearance. My cousin Pamela Malcolm writes that I possessed a ‘vast, wall eyed face, bulging from the pram like a malevolent planet.' Photos from the time of my infancy tend to vindicate her humorous (if cruel) assessment. According to my mother, my appearance was only slightly less alarming than the hoarse bellow with which I remonstrated against the encroachment of unfamiliar parties. While I'm sufficiently robust to enjoy a joke at my own expense, I feel a retrospective sorrow on my parents' behalf. All they wanted was for the world to love their son. How terrible it must have been for them to see him rejected on account of the very attributes that made him special.

There are, unfortunately, no mitigating factors to excuse Balsillie's behaviour. While his parents have, without any reference to expert opinion, diagnosed Asperger's Syndrome, his fiendishness is symptomatic of chronic over-indulgence. Many children spawned by loveless relationships exhibit personality traits similar to those of the latter Roman emperors as their estranged parents compete for their affection. John Hyslop , the only competent child psychologist currently active in Scotland, has identified this trend as a contributing factor to future crime rates. Ironically, the parents currently lavishing their undeserving offspring will suffer the consequences of their wrath when they're no longer capable of fulfilling their expected roles. Parricide rates have soared in the past twenty years as man-children, convinced of their right to fulfilment; destroy the elderly impediments to happiness.

Since embarking upon a relationship with Balsillie's mother, William Ure has, if anything, made matters worse by adopting a policy of self-ingratiation. Is there anything more aggravating than the sight of a grown man, reddening under the contemptuous scrutiny of restaurant staff and diners, imploring a child clad entirely in combat fatigues to finish his dessert with the encouragement that, “It's monkey brains, Cameron. You like monkey brains!”?

 

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