BALSILLIE-URE, KAREN (1969 - ) Legal Assistant, Divorcee, Termagant. Solitary people without the courage to walk through life alone, often reach their mid to late thirties and, in the throes of desperation, attach themselves to the first person who makes prolonged eye contact. Such couples subsequently build their relationship around a repertoire of feeble private jokes and imitations of what they imagine to be adult behaviour based on recollections of the younger years of their own parents. They barbecue, host dinner parties for similarly blighted friends and pretend to enjoy the same films and television shows. Mutual incomprehension prevails as both sacrifice the qualities and ambitions that preceded their relationship. After an initial compromise, one invariably becomes dominant and the other the equivalent of his or her protege, suddenly espousing similar opinions or affecting an interest in the same type of music, films or literature. Such relationships, in my experience, often unravel in murderous intrigue as one of the two, usually the subservient partner, tries to negotiate an escape by the administration of poisoned treats or a shove at the top of a flight of stairs.

Billy Ure's marriage to Karen Balsillie, I'm afraid, falls firmly into this category. Balsillie, a moody, abrasive woman whose allergies to domestic animals and various food-stuffs seem contrived to draw attention to herself and cause maximum inconvenience, is a manifestly unsuitable companion for a character as malleable as Billy. Within weeks of their meeting she had made him grow his hair long, dragged him along to line dancing classes and discouraged his involvement with the Hamilton Coe Foundation to the extent that he started avoiding my phone calls.

When the couple announced their engagement, I considered it my duty, as Billy's oldest friend, to point out the folly of his actions. The vindictiveness of Karen's response provided conclusive evidence of her warped nature. Despite my willingness to put aside my reservations and support Billy on his wedding day, she excluded me from the party, manouevering her cousin, Calum Livingstone, into the role of best man.

 

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