EADIE-COE, HAZEL (1964 - ) Stalker. Despite my efforts to quash them, rumours persist to the effect that I'm married. The source of this misinformation is Hazel Eadie (or Hazel Eadie-Coe, as she calls herself) the woman who claims to be my wife.

I'm not the first person on whom Ms Eadie has fixated. Prior to meeting me she formed a similarly deluded attachment to Peter Sloss, the B.B.C. Scotland weather man. She first met me, in fact, while discussing the torment of sexual obsession on the Rob McCaskill radio show. Mistaking my solicitude for romantic interest, she immediately announced an amicable separation from Sloss and commenced upon a hare-brained pursuit of Coe that she's sporadically continued to this day.

While persistently disabusing Ms Eadie of the notion that we are involved in an intimate relationship of any kind, I've endeavoured to be compassionate toward her. It would obviously be folly to allow her into the house, but I've often instructed Gayle, my house-keeper, to take to coffee and sandwiches to the bus shelter immediately opposite my house where Ms Eadie sits, often for hours at a time.

Matters were complicated when Ms Eadie and Spencer enjoyed a brief, drunken liaison in the car-park of the Red Lion. This was appalling behaviour even by Spencer's standards and he was aptly rewarded weeks later when Ms Eadie telephoned claiming to be pregnant. This was almost certainly not the case: while both parties were too drunk to recall exactly what transpired, my surveillance operation revealed a sluggish fumble without any effective conclusion. Under the circumstances, though, I thought it judicious to let my brother sweat. He was sufficiently panicked to offer Ms Eadie £200 to terminate the pregnancy. She accepted the bribe and subsequently disappeared, presumably embarrassed to have broken her imaginary vows in such a horrible fashion.

Hazel Eadie in bus shelter.

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