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GARDNER, KAREN (1970 - ?) Delinquent, runaway. It's depressingly inevitable that Karen Gardner's family has chosen to commemorate the twentieth anniversary of her disappearance with a so-called ‘Festival of Youth'. For eighteen years, after all, they've used her name to celebrate nonentity with the ridiculous awards farrago that's bolstered by taxpayers' money. If a Karen Gardner Award has become a guarantee of non-achievement then what can we expect of the Festival of Youth? According to the Examiner, Keith Gardner has arranged for various local pop-groups to perform at the event. I know for a fact that my brother Spencer, whose entire repertoire consists of the bellowed recital of unsavoury fixations, has been engaged to participate. No doubt the usual miscellaneous pests and oddballs will be prominent, juggling or distributing pamphlets. It's not in my nature to be objectionable for the sake of it, but could anything be less appropriate? Drug peddlers, occult dabblers and perverts will descend on the Trossachs in their hundreds, eyes narrowed in the direction of their prey. I'm not being deliberately contentious in stating my objection to such venture. While I've no desire to engage in name-calling it seems obvious that such a fat-headed and inappropriate scheme could only be hatched by publicity hounds bolstered by two decades of false encouragement. Keith, who must, on occasion, pause to reflect that, had his sister never gone missing, he would be expected to fulfil some other role in life than general scaremonger.
GERMS - To splutter over someone is equivalent to hawking phlegm into his soup or punching him in the face. Young people, who claim expertise on any conceivable topic, now fail to recognise the simple courtesy of despatching their germs into a handkerchief. This negligence will at some stage, inevitably, result in a global pandemic.
GIBB, FRANCIS (1860 - ?) Satanist, Poet, Libertine. In recent years, the image of the magician has been sanitised by the sort of sentimental individuals who enjoy the company of dogs. As I write this, computer screens flicker across the country as a thousand would-be alchemists steel themselves against the dictates of nature. Liars and fantasists have always constructed alternative worlds in which their yearnings are satisfied and pasts undone. Access to previously secret rituals, however garbled or mistranslated, has now ensured that misguided individuals can summon entities to do their bidding over the internet, invariably with terrible consequences. The problem has become so sufficiently pronounced for a secret government department to monitor the activities of occultists. This concern is not as ridiculous as it sounds.
The last period of occultism created a universal psychic imbalance that contributed toward World War One and the subsequent depredations of the 20th century. The most talented, and nefarious, practitioner of the age was Francis Gibb, who resurrected the long dormant Sons of the Morning, a society dedicated to offences against reason and propriety. A glimpse at the Sons of the Morning manifesto, written by Gibb in 1884, reveals an adolescent preoccupation with self-abuse and human waste, albeit one couched in the sort of pompous prose style familiar to anyone with a passing acquaintance of the black arts. To the sensible reader, the author comes across as a dirty minded fat-head. Colossal self confidence, however, combined with an undeniable charisma ensured the sort of attention currently enjoyed by contemporary attention seekers such as Marilyn Manson.
GIBSON, FINDLAY (1920 - 1987) - Founder of the Gibson Institute, the world's first facility for the analysis and nurturing of psychically advanced children. My Aunt Alice, dipping into personal savings, took me to the Institute's deceptively homespun Florida base on three separate occasions. For successive years, I was subjected to stringent examinations under laboratory conditions, each time emerging with the Gibson Certificate of Authenticity, a guarantee of psychic ability accepted by police departments all over the world (if not Drumfeld).
GIFTED CHILDREN, CARE OF - The immune systems of psychically gifted children are often depleted by negative energy absorbed from those around them. My Uncle Steven's presence invariably caused choking fits while a visit from the Hendersons was sufficient to induce seizure. It gives me no satisfaction to record that in both cases my instincts were subsequently vindicated, but at the time I was accused of play acting and, on occasions, dragged to my room, a potentially fatal response to a clairvoyant child's distress symptoms. Unsupervised, he might choke on his own drool or bludgeon himself to death in an effort to obliterate the unwanted images gathered in his mind. In fairness to my parents, until my aunt contacted the Gibson Institute, neither was offered any guidance in the specific needs of clairvoyants. Many gifted children, of all types, have their fiery essence drenched by incomprehension and disapproval. Ninety per cent have their potential nullified by the time the can walk. How many parents are competent to the task of raising a special child? Obviously, it's difficult to identify gifted children at an early age. My solution is that all children by removed from the home and reared by qualified nurturers until their individual capabilities become apparent.
GRAY, ANGUS (1962 - ) Publican, Boor, ‘Character'. Since taking over the King's Arms in 1997, Gray has barred over three hundred people for offences ranging from chewing gum and smirking to 'hogging the toilet'. His desperation to feature on the television programme 'Britain's Unfriendliest Barman' has led him to beleaguer their offices with compilation videos of his most withering putdowns. A self-created monster, according to Christine his 'personality' comprises characteristics borrowed from Gordon Ramsay, Simon Cowell and Alan Sugar all of whom, apparently, have created a niche for themselves by reducing unstable individuals to tears in front of a large audience. The strain of living up to his reputation has recently caused Gray to develop a violent facial tic.
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