HAWTHORNE, RONALD (1957 - ) Celebrity Psychic. In 1993 Nina Kelly, considering herself an expert in the realm of supernatural detection techniques, released a completely risible book called Written in Blood in which the careers of various clairvoyants were assessed with the total lack of clarity or perspective which has become her trademark. Any genuine authority on the field failing to be repelled by the book's garish cover and actually examining its contents might be surprised to discover that our most prominent and sought after clairvoyants are Ronald Hawthorne and Phyllis Yuill. Until recently, Hawthorne's entire existence was devoted to predicting the death or disgrace of minor celebrities. His clientele, according to his own biography, included Michael Barrymore, Elton John and Cherie Blair. Since various indiscretions caused him to be banished from the salons of Mayfair, he was reduced to trawling crime scenes in his crushed velvet suit. His technique has never varied. On arrival, having attracted sufficient attention, he sinks to his knees, never missing his strategically placed towel, clutches his temples and gibbers while members of his entourage take notes. On the occasions I've personally witnessed this performance, he's been led away by his ‘personal physician', screaming and gnawing his trademark beret. On at least two occasions that I know of, he's been so traumatised that he's required hospital treatment. Quite simply, he has neither the sight nor the stomach for the role.

 

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