A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
I
IMPRESSIONISM – While my knowledge of television personalities is limited, the most cursory inspection of tabloid newspapers is sufficient to determine that they lead lives of relentless unhappiness. Separated from their roles and audiences, they struggle to function, their own flimsy personalities being insufficient to the demands of day to day existence. They're the equivalent of black holes into which other people instil ideas and expectations. Away from his stage, an actor is akin to a prop abandoned to a cupboard. According to my research, the most troubled entertainers are impressionists. This is no mere co-incidence. To successfully impersonate another human being is to abandon oneself entirely to exterior influences: to step out-with one's own skin. In so doing, and without appreciating the possible consequences, impressionists render themselves extremely vulnerable.
Consider the strange case of Canadian impressionist Mark Sangster, a moderately successful nightclub entertainer whose repertoire included the usual cast of movie stars, politicians and television personalities. Following the psychic upheaval of a divorce, his impressions became increasingly violent. He spoke in strange languages, unfamiliar to any of his audience members, while his features contorted until he became unrecognisable. On several occasions, witnesses claimed that, in the course of an impression, he grew a thick beard. At other times he shrank in stature, clawed at his eyes and vomited ectoplasm. On leaving the stage, he would have no memory of the performance. After a spell in a private mental facility, Sangster returned refreshed and was offered a place on a televised talent show. His performance, however, was disastrous: after embarking upon a conversation between Humphrey Bogart and Woody Allen, he suddenly digressed into a foul diatribe about Jews in the entertainment business, his points punctuated by violent blows to his own nose. Apparently oblivious to the audience's boos, he tore open his shirt and, smearing a cross over his chest with his own nasal blood, he bellowed an oath in Aramaic before vomiting translucent bile and collapsing. Reduced to unsolicited performances in bars and nightclubs, Sangster spontaneously combusted when trying to impress a group of women with an impromptu impression of Peter Lorre in the course of which, three of those present attested, his features blurred before briefly revealing the leering face of Adolf Hitler.
INCOMPETENCE - Closely related to indifference. While incompetence frequently has evil consequences, it would be obviously be an over-reaction to label incompetents as evil. A man who does his job badly, however, whether through ineptitude or indifference, fully deserves any hostility he attracts. The reluctant bus driver, for example, is a menace to his passengers. What do they care about his feelings of unfulfillment as he careers around country lanes, oblivious to the fact that he's already five minutes ahead of schedule. If he doesn't want to drive a bus, then it's his responsibility to find a vocation more in keeping with his talents. The same applies to the surly receptionist or the postman who hoards undelivered letters in his living room.
INFORMATION – At no point in history has so much useless information been so easily accessed with the consequence that individuals are unable to assimilate essential knowledge. Many mental disorders are caused by untidy minds cluttered by a proliferation of facts and statistics. The incoherent babble of a madman resembles nothing so much as a cupboard overflowing junk. The effective individual must realistically assess what he really needs to know and disregard everything else.
INGENUE - Suggestive word used by seedy, middle aged Californian males to describe young actresses notable for their looks rather than ability. Also used by my biographer, NINA KELLY, in referring to herself. It's over twenty years since I first encountered Nina, although even then I remembered her from her previous career as an actress. Anybody who watched the first series of the 1970's detective series Dirty Secrets might remember her portrayal of Detective Katie Wilson. In the opening credits she pursues a large, bald headed miscreant, her face rigid with concentration and arms extended on either side, as if the expanse of pavement was a high wire. Every time I watch one of the show's very occasional reruns, I'm amazed by the folly by which Nina, a trust fund maintained flower-child, was cast as a streetwise cop. In retrospect, it's such an obvious blunder that it seems like an act of deliberate mischief perpetrated by one of her many personal enemies. Anybody else would have been humiliated, but Nina, apparently oblivious to the catastrophe of her performance, in her inevitable web-site attributes her replacement after a single series to political differences. Of course, the fact of being woefully miscast shouldn't necessarily entail the destruction of an actor's entire career. One might wonder why she never resurfaced in less significant roles more in keeping with her talents. Nina would have made a perfectly adequate barmaid or prostitute. As long as the part didn't require any depth of understanding, I'm sure it would have been within her capabilities. She possesses, after all, the essential thespian traits of insincerity and over-reaction. I should really have no compunction in relating the exact circumstances of how she managed to render herself unemployable. She's hardly exercised restraint in relating her version of my history. The fact is that her subsequent banishment from the television studios was unrelated to her relative absence of talent. I won't, however, stoop to dealing in gossip. This isn't the place to trot out Nina's various personal crises. All that need interest us is what qualifications she might possess to write about me.
INGLIS, PHILIP (1963 - ) Charlatan. Inglis initially established himself in the Drumfeld Community Centre as a Reiki Master. When it became apparent that there was no demand for this dubious skill which involves the thrashing of supplicants with a rattan cane, he reinvented himself overnight, offering free introductory re-birthing sessions. For weeks he was allowed to incite panic attacks and hyperventilation in his subjects by forcing them to return to foetal breathing techniques. Immediately after sessions with Inglis, several clients were traumatised by flashbacks to childhood, not always their own. Deborah Mallon found herself being pursued around a strange house by a bull-faced man wearing trousers tied under the knees with twine; Malcolm Corbett imagined himself to be trapped beneath the roots of a huge tree where he'd been confined by witches. Not even the presence of his family could reassure him that he was, in fact, in the safety of his room, surrounding by his possessions. Inglis attempted to reverse these unwanted developments by forcing his unhappy clients to perform even deeper breathing exercises. When this merely exacerbated matters, he resorted to use of his cane.
Philip Inglis, a posturing nincompoop
INSTIGATORS - See BALSILLIE-URE, KAREN; BISHOP, ELIZABETH; COE, SPENCER; GIBB, FRANCIS; HARRIS, JANE; KELLY, NINA; KRANKIE, WEE JIMMY; LENNON, JOHN; MAIR, DUNCAN; MALCOLM, RICHARD; MANSON, MARILYN; MINTO, COLIN; MURRAY, EWEN.
INTELLIGENCE - The average person is too clever for his own good. By ‘clever' I don't mean intelligent. He might have information at his fingertips; he might even be able to repeat it, parrot fashion, but mere repetition doesn't tally with comprehension. Quite the opposite. In my experience, the more someone speaks, the less he understands. Only when he acknowledges his ignorance might he actually start toward attaining intelligence. Few people, however, are able to do this. Everyone is in competition. Nobody wants to cede an advantage. Let's take Joe Average. He's completely bewildered by almost every aspect of his day to day existence. He'd like to seek assistance, but he knows that if he says “I'm sorry, I don't understand this,” rather than offer guidance, the other fellows are likely to crow, “Listen to the fool! He doesn't understand!” This is often the one thing he's learned from years of “education”. Therefore, Joe desperately tries to convey an impression of expertise while, beneath the surface he knows next to nothing. He might wallow in ignorance, his work might be second rate, but at least he retains the upper hand. Over the years, he's become such an accomplished dissembler that he even fools himself. He presents himself as an authority on matters he isn't equipped to understand. He might even attempt to instruct other people. If someone were to expose him as a fraud, he'd react with indignation and refer the matter to lawyers (also dabbling in matters beyond their comprehension) who would demand apologies and reparation from the person who dared tell the truth. I present this as a hypothetical case, but, laughably, it pretty much encapsulates the problems I encountered with Muriel's school when I demanded an enquiry into teaching standards. Anyone curious as to why we're currently transforming our young people in substandard dolts equipped only to sell undesirable items over the telephone or construct idiotic websites should read on.
INTUITION – While my technique is mainly intuitive, my ‘hunches' are, in themselves, insufficient to convict a malefactor. The fact that I've been consulted by police departments from Canberra to Bucharest is irrelevant: justice requires evidence, without it we're limited to name-calling which in itself is an offence. Many psychics lack the courage or discipline to follow up on their intuition. I have made a study of various investigative techniques in order that any allegation I might make against an individual is backed up by a leather bound dossier containing proof.
It's impossible for me to explain to the layman precisely what causes the symptoms of apprehension that alert me to the vicinity of menace. The causes vary, as indeed do the symptoms themselves. At various times throughout my career, the presence of evil has manifested itself aurally, as a low cacophony of urgent voices, visually, in the form of visions or dark, pulsating auras, and even as a smell. When I was a child, such impressions caused me to suffer palpitations, nosebleeds and sensations similar to electric shocks. As I refined my technique, however, and mastered a child's natural terror, I experienced nothing more than a tingling sensation, most pronounced around the extremities of nose, feet and hands. This sensation, not unpleasant, had various minor side-effects: watches and digital devices in my vicinity malfunctioned, dogs whimpered or snarled, according to their temperament, and balloons stuck to me.
INVERSION – Through no fault of their own, certain individuals possess traits associated with the opposite gender. This is sometimes comical: nobody is threatened by a woman who smokes a pipe or a man who knits. The invert should be wary, though, of limiting human potential by defining him or herself entirely by aspects imposed by sexual quirks.
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z