A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
K
KELLOGG, FRANCIS (1960 - ) Magician, Menace – Responsible for ruining dozens of birthdays, (not so) Fabulous Frank has established himself as the least competent children's entertainer in Central Scotland. Hired for my niece Muriel's tenth birthday party, he turned up an hour later than scheduled accompanied by a glassy eyed young woman with the appearance and vocabulary of a prostitute. Attributing his tardy appearance to the death of his rabbit, he embarked upon an act of such ineptitude that even the youngest of the guests anticipated the outcome of his dubious ‘tricks' with cries of “It's up your sleeve!” and “There's something under his wig!” This latter observation infuriated Kellogg: despite its singular appearance, his hairpiece wasn't, in fact, a prop, and he lambasted the audience for its insensitivity. “I used to have lots of hair!” he whinged, “Before I had cancer!” Declaring himself too distressed by the memory of his illness and the death of his rabbit to perform any more tricks, he produced some balloons which he desultorily manipulated into unrecognisable shapes he insisted tallied with those of animals. His assistant, meanwhile, locked herself in the toilet for over an hour, eventually emerging unsteady and dishevelled and vomited within three feet of Muriel's cake. When I first exposed Frank, writing to the Greenbank Magic Circle, he immediately showed another aspect to his personality. For months, I received threatening phone calls from Kellogg and his associates.
Not so Fabulous Frank
KELLY, NINA (1955 - ) Author, Fabricator, Hysteric. Until two weeks before the actual release of Hamilton Coe – A Hero for our Times, I had no idea that Nina Kelly was even working on what she refers to as a 'definitive account' of my career. We can dismiss this particular claim as vainglorious piffle. Let's not be mealy mouthed about it. Nina isn't even qualified to give a 'definitive account' of my breakfast. While the cover notes (accompanied, incidentally by a photo which must be at least twenty years old) refer to Nina as 'the undisputed Queen of True Crime', the most cursory reading of anything she's ever written is sufficient to establish it as the work of a text-book hysteric. Over the course of a ten year writing career, she's perpetuated innumerable distortions, accusing the innocent, exonerating the guilty. She's the equivalent of a taxidermist taking unconnected animal parts to create a monster. The head of a German Shepherd crammed onto the body of a turkey, teetering on the mangled hind-legs of a fox. Not to put too fine a point on it, the woman is a maniac.
As with any of Nina's previous books, there's as much point rebutting specific details as trying to convince a lunatic that his dog can't actually talk. If it weren't for the potential damage to the Hamilton Coe Foundation and the slanders she's perpetrated against individuals less able to defend themselves, I'd be inclined to maintain a dignified silence. Nina's ill-will will eventually destroy her before it does me. She's already housebound by paranoia and panic attacks.(Incapable of conducting her own research, she sends emissaries in Team Kelly tracksuits to gather information, subsequently rearranged to suit whatever fat-headed theory she's trying to promote.)
KESTER, GIDEON (1880 - 1959)Educationalist. In the 1930's, Gideon Kester, arriving in Britain from Berlin where he had established a reputation as an iconoclastic but brilliant lecturer, established the world's first Kester school in Kent. A residential facility, the school, in keeping with Kester's philosophy, was devoted to nurturing the diverse talents of gifted pupils which had been stifled in more traditional estblishments. Over the next twenty years, five more Kester schools opened across the country. In 1979, after a stringent interview and background checks, I was accepted as a day pupil in Meredith House, the only Kester endorsed institution in Scotland. This offer was subsequently withdrawn when the school's headmaster, John Percy, was placed on a sabbatical amidst rumours of alcoholism and nervous collapse.
Naturally, this was devastating. My imminent enrolment had already been featured in the Drumfeld Gazette accompanied by a photograph of me in my distinctive Kester uniform of neckerchief and liederhosen. My subsequent rejection was noted by a malevolent sub-editor who ran a story headed "Hamilton Coe - Not Even Remotely Gifted", this apparently being a quotation from the school's interim headmaster. Drumfeld Primary School's headmistress, Irene Black, a woman who had singularly failed in her duty to protect me from the vengeful incomprehension of my classmates, was also quoted saying, "I find inconceivable that Hamilton would have been considered in the first place." For the next five years, the Coes' attorneys pursued an apology from the Kester Foundation and a retraction from Ms Black. Neither were forthcoming. My education, in the meantime, was delegated to a succession of tutors, culuminating in the monstrous Ronald Beith.
KEVIN OF SUMMERSTON a.k.a. Kevin McGarry (1976 - ) Hooligan, psychic. Formerly a notoriously violent follower of Glasgow Rangers, McGarry's transformation was precipitated by a prolonged assault by rival supporters. After three days in a coma, he recuperated to tell of various visions he had experienced. Rabidly Protestant in his former life, he converted to Roman Catholicism after receiving visits from mysterious, cowled figures. Most of Kevin's visions betray a religious fixation and fascination with violent pornography.
KNAVES - See ADAMSON, PETER; BAKER, TOM; BARR, JASON; BEITH, RONALD; COE, SPENCER; COULL, ALEXANDER; CROWLEY, ALEISTER; DARNLEY, LORD; DAVIDSON, MATTHEW; DEVIL, THE; DUNN, MICHAEL; EVERETT, STEPHEN; FERGUSON, CRAIG; FLETCHER, WILLIAM; GIBB, FRANCIS; GRAY, ANGUS; HAWTHORNE, RONALD; HEGARTY, ALEXANDER; INGLIS, PHILIP; JACKSON, PAUL; JEFFERS, MARK; KELLOGG, FRANCIS; LENNON, JOHN; LESTER, DR PHILIP; LOGUE, COLIN; MALARKEY, RICHARD; MALCOLM, RICHARD; MCATEER, ROSS; MILNE, ALAN ALEXANDER; MUNN, CALVIN; MURRAY, EWEN; NIMMO, SAMUEL; PEARSON, GUY; SANDERSON, CRAIG; SNEDDON, GREGOR; TEALE, NORMAN; WALKER, HUGH; WATSON, EDWIN; WHO, DOCTOR; ZEKLOS, IORGU.
KRANKIE, WEE JIMMY – Womanchild. One of my earlier television appearances was on the B.B.C.'s Saturday morning show Going Live. Having long stopped watching television, I was unfamiliar with the shows format or the identity of any of the other guests, a rag-tag bunch of pop singers and naturalists who flounced about backstage, their vivid auras crackling with such migraine inducing vanity and malevolence that I was forced to briefly seek solace in a cupboard. On being ejected by a stage-hand, I was immediately set upon by a badly behaved child who'd been causing chaos around the set all morning, dashing in front of cameras, thumbs raised and shouting incomprehensibly, completely impervious to the attempted restraints of his exasperated father. “What's your name?” demanded the boy as I struggled to compose myself. “What are you famous for?” Obviously sensing his belligerent intentions, my aunt cuffed him across the head and, as he turned to flee, tripped him, causing him to fall and strike his head on the base of a lighting unit. As the father rushed toward us and leaned over the stricken, twitching boy, I was overwhelmed by one of the most unsettling images I had, at that time, experienced, one which, even now, I'm reluctant to present for public scrutiny. It is, however, contained in the Hamilton Coe archive to be released on my death.
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z