KELLOGG, FRANCIS (1960 - ) Magician, Menace – Responsible for ruining dozens of birthdays, (not so) Fabulous Frank has established himself as the least competent children's entertainer in Central Scotland. Hired for my niece Muriel's tenth birthday party, he turned up an hour later than scheduled accompanied by a glassy eyed young woman with the appearance and vocabulary of a prostitute. Attributing his tardy arrival to the death of his rabbit, he embarked upon an act of such ineptitude that even the youngest of the guests anticipated the outcome of his dubious ‘tricks' with cries of “It's up your sleeve!” and “There's something under his wig!” This latter observation infuriated Kellogg: despite its singular appearance, his hairpiece wasn't, in fact, a prop, and he lambasted the audience for its insensitivity. “I used to have lots of hair!” he whinged, “Before I had cancer!” Declaring himself too distressed by the memory of his illness and the death of his rabbit to perform any more tricks, he produced some balloons which he desultorily manipulated into unrecognisable shapes he insisted tallied with those of animals. His assistant, meanwhile, locked herself in the toilet for over an hour, eventually emerging unsteady and dishevelled and vomited within three feet of Muriel's cake.

When I first exposed Frank, writing to the Perthshire Magic Circle, he immediately showed another aspect to his personality. For months, I received menacing phone calls from Kellogg and his associates. Anyone who knows me will attest that a threat issued against Coe is as effective as a pine cone thrown at a charging rhino. Throughout my career, I've never once been intimidated by the bluster of a bully, even on occasions on which logic dictated that perhaps I ought! A stout heart and a smile have shielded me against the direst admonishments. Throughout my life, the creatures of nemesis have howled at me without instilling terror: what hope had a posturing nincompoop like Frank?

Not so Fabulous Frank

 

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