MALARKEY, RICHARD (1946 - 2005) Civil Servant, Obsessive Newspaper Correspondent. More often than not, the so-called voice of reason has a limited vocabulary and is overly reliant on the word 'no'. The universal arrogance of the narrow-minded makes scant allowance for possibilities beyond the realm of logic. Malarkey, a near neighbour of Billy's, was a case in point. In ten years, he had over three hundred letters published in a variety of newspapers. The topics ranged from Scottish Independence, of which he was a passionate advocate, to the sort of local government issues in which no sensible person takes more than a passing interest. “Why haven't the Station Road plant pots been painted?” he demanded. Or “Whatever happened to the proposed Elder Road play area?” While this compulsion to meddle might be attributed to loneliness it often indicates a potential menace. My investigations into Malarkey's past (his origins were in the Huddersfield area) concerned me sufficiently to commence a surveillance operation in the course of which I was trapped while trying to manoeuvre myself through the kitchen window. Malarkey's demeanour on this occasion made it clear that, if not for the fact that I had not summoned assistance by means of my emergency whistle, he'd have cheerfully throttled me. Billy Ure, incidentally, failed to distinguish himself on this occasion, fleeing and watching from the safety of his bedroom window as the fire brigade arrived and, after an hour's negotiation with Malarkey, released me by first removing his window.

Malarkey's retaliation was predictable. He bombarded the social services with letters regarding my absences from school several of which resulted in visits from the social workers referred to by my grandfather as ‘the great unwashed'. My occasional newspaper appearances never failed to prompt a missive from him demanding an explanation as to why I was being ‘dragged around crime scenes like a performing seal' rather than attending school. When he wasn't attempting to interfere in my upbringing, he was dashing from his house to force cyclists onto the street from the pavement or berate dog owners for failing to scoop their pets' waste. He eventually died of an apoplectic seizure while attempting to stop an able- bodied woman from using a handicapped toilet.

Dolts and malcontents often try to justify acts of pettiness by assuming for themselves the mantle of the righteous. Their behaviour doesn't benefit society, merely placates their own rage which might be better addressed by stringent self-analysis or counselling.

 

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