25/11/07 This morning Spencer insisted on calling our cousin Pamela to wish her a happy thirty-seventh birthday. Like every scoundrel posturing as an idealist, my brother's apparent good intentions are invariably built on a foundation of self-interest. He'd be a genuine menace if not for his complete lack of subtlety and the misconception that his intended dupes are incapable of seeing through his wiles. His recent campaign against racism, for example, might have seemed admirable to the outsider. Anyone who knows him, however, realised that it was entirely motivated by a desire to see me disgraced. Three years ago, he justified his attempts to insinuate himself with his so-called birth family by citing a need to 'discover himself'. The search for the Patersons was, in fact, prompted by his estrangement from most of the Coes. Is it necessary to add that the inevitable breakdown of relations was immediately followed by a mission of reconciliation to Drumfeld?

Spencer's efforts to end years of estrangement from Pamela co-incided with her employment by a company involved in the production of music videos. It's completely typical of my brother that he doesn't credit her with the intelligence to deduce that he's currying favour in the hope that she'll assist him in resurrecting his moribund 'pop' career. Not even the interception of excerpts from Pamela's proposed television series featuring Harrison Poe, my American equivalent, deterred him from his campaign of ingratiation. Revelling in Pamela's unflattering depiction of 'Harrison' as a fat-headed parasite, Spencer still seems oblivious to the fact that the character of his degenerate brother 'Steven' has only one possible source.

Instead of reminding Spencer of an insult to which he's either impervious or indifferent, I tried to discourage his birthday phone call by pointing out the eight hour time difference between Drumfeld and Los Angeles. "Pamela doesn't bother about that sort of thing," he scoffed. The increasingly apologetic tone with which he conducted his side of the ensuing conversation suggested that my advice had been sound. Pamela, as I know from personal experience, most certainly does bother about 'that sort of thing'. The fact that I'm a considerate and generous house-guest didn't stop her from cutting short my last trip to L.A. by changing the locks of her apartment. Heaven only knows how she'd have responded to the imposition of sharing her living space with Spencer.