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A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

TABLE TENNIS - As a registered coach, I've nurtured various youngsters to competetive standard. A Coe trained player can be identified by his swashbuckling style and high standards of sportsmanship: life skills, in my opinion, are to be prized more than any sporting technique. At the recent Scottish championships in Drumchapel Sports Centre Glasgow, the Drumfeld contingent, while failing to win any medals, made an impression by remaining to regale eventual winners with renditions of 'For He's A Jolly Good Fellow.'

TARTAN ARMY, THE – Exhibitionists. Traipse around Europe shouting “Look at us!” For decades, the Tartan Army have cavorted in fountains, playfully exposed themselves and generally exhibited so many other symptoms of low self esteem that sympathetic hosts feel obligated to send them home with hastily improvised good behaviour awards. That the recipients refuse to disdain such condescension, going to far as to brag about it, bespeaks a terrible emptiness.

TEALE, NORMAN (1953 - ) Drunk, Peeping Tom. Teale inherited the Gateway to the Highlands caravan park from his wife Valerie's parents. Under his supervision, the site, formerly the recipient of various awards from the Caravan Club, degenerated into an eyesore. Never an enthusiastic host, his drunken outbursts and indifference toward guests' comfort and safety ensured that few visitors returned. By the time of Valerie's sudden death in 1993 the only regular guests were those eager to take advantage of Teale's laissez faire attitude to unacceptable behaviour. Unsuspecting first time visitors rarely stayed longer than a night. In 2000, health and safety inspectors, alerted to dangerous conditions within the site, discovered that the only functioning electrical items within Teale's caravans were the concealed tape-recorders and cameras.

THOUGHT, DISORDERS OF – The inner monologue familiar to everyone is the greatest impediment to clarity.

TOBIN, MIRIAM (1947 – 2006) Neighbourhood Watch co-ordinator, Loudmouth. More than a year after Miriam's unexpected death, a myth persists that she and I were rivals. Anyone with the slightest knowledge of our respective qualifications recognises that Miriam wasn't qualified to inhabit such a role. She was an occasional irritant, but only to the extent that she insisted on expounding on matters outwith her own limited realm of expertise. The fact that our disputes on the Crime Time Radio show occasionally became heated, can be attributed to her habit of rolling her eyes and muttering "for the love of Mike" whenever confronted by an opinion that confounded her own worldview. While I'm normally slow to anger, Miriam's tendency to labour idiotic points combined with an habitual insolence goaded me into losing my temper on three separate occasions. This does me no credit, but I could refer the reader to letters from regular listeners congratulating me on my customary forbearance. (Over the same timescale, admittedly, I received other letters accusing me of rudeness and bullying, but the recurrence of similar points and the fact that they are written on the same lilac paper suggest a co-ordinated campaign. A typical Tobin ploy: cunning but shabbily executed.)

It's unfortunate that, in the immediate aftermath of Miriam's death, Rob McAskill chose to commemorate her meagre contribution by replaying 'highlights' of these contretempts, ruthlessly edited to give the impression of a plucky underdog (Tobin) beleaguered by an overbearing blowhard (Coe). If anything, he made matters worse by imploring the Open University to posthumously grant her the psychology degree she claimed to possess until my investigations proved otherwise. This deceit might seem harmless until one considers its purpose: to undermine the testimony of Coe and, more importantly, the victims I've represented over the course of my investigative career. McAskill's ludicrous campaign against truth merely adds insult to injury.

The Tobin family claimed that the humiliation of exposure contributed to an existing heart condition and precipitated Miriam's demise. In their indignation, they overlooked the fact that she would never have been exposed had she not chosen to lie in the first place, a fairly obvious point I struggled to put across when my presence at her funeral (in itself a magnanimous gesture) provoked a disgraceful reaction from several of her relatives.