MASTURBATION - "Beastliness," wrote Alexander Wishart, the last rector of Fochabers' School in his penultimate report "is rife." No graphology skills are required to recognise the desperation with which the last word, thrice underlined, was etched into the page. For over a century, self-abuse within the school's dormitories had been discouraged by The Bonnet, a grotesque, mitre-shaped hat strapped to the heads of those apprehended in frenzies of self-gratification. A record of those stigmatised survives in one of the numerous leather ledgers recovered from the school office and archived in Drumfeld Museum. This fascinating record proceeds through generations, from Paterson C., sentenced to wear the Bonnet for two weeks in 1871 to Henderson R., in 1982. The latter was named, but not, apparently, shamed: one Richard Henderson, presumably the same, is listed in the membership roll of the 'Bonnet Society' members of which brazenly sported badges emblazoned with an extravagantly curlicued letter 'B'. By 1985, erosion to the Fochabers' spirit had become terminal: fires became commonplace; poltergeists infested the dormitories and symptoms of 'beastliness' were so pronounced that an auxilliary matron was employed to keep a twenty-four hour watch on the enervated wrecks confined to the sanatorium.

Self-abuse is commonly dismissed as a harmless, if undignified, rite of passage*. The habit has become so widespread that signs discouraging its public display have been erected around Fife while local heroes, The Proclaimers, lent their support to a council funded 'Stop It!' campaign. Their example, unfortunately, failed to make an impression on the collection of minor celebrities who threatened to participate in a sponsored ‘self-love in' for the BBC's Children in Need charity. This plan was only thwarted by last minute police objections prompted not by the scheme's hideous nature, but fears that central London, the proposed scene of the outrage, would be flooded by voyeurs and rendered vulnerable to terrorist attack.

*Doctors and psychiatrists, presented with the symptoms of its victims, would dispute this. Non-specific side effects are depression, energy depletion and premature aging. Specific symptoms include swollen joints (particularly on the fingers), excessive nostril hair, mouth ulcers and facial tics.

 

 

Home

Glossary

Hamilton Live

Casebook

 

Contact